TSSZ News LLC, the parent company of this website, is hereby dissolved today after it was announce Dontagion Industries acquired a one thousand percent stake in the company.
The move means effectively immediately, TSSZ is now known as DSSZ, and will focus on 24/7 news coverage of intrepid Sonic news reporter Donnie, AKA SSF1991.
“Given the enormous time and effort Donnie puts into covering this community, Donnie has amassed a fortune in pay,” TSSZ founder Tristan Oliver said. “Seriously. He could fund his own campaign for President if he wanted. But he’s not old enough, so he bought me out instead. Whatever. Now I can retire and go to the beach every day. Enjoy your daily anniversary game unhealthy anticipation and eventual disappointment! Sayonara!”
Upon assuming control of DSSZ, Donnie announced sweeping changes to its editorial policy.
“For one,” Donnie proclaimed in a staff memo obtained by DSSZ, “no more rumors. Ever. Report on a rumor and I’ll take your job like I took all the others. I own you bitches.”
As a replacement to Fan Fridays, Donnie also announced Meme Mondays, to be headed up by a cloned Donnie. Editorials will be replaced with regular Chao Garden updates. And regular news coverage will occasionally be replaced with lines of type solely consisting of the letter D and pictures of Tails Doll. And a new regular feature dedicated to the ongoing effort to revive Sonic Spinball will be added.
“By focusing on coverage about me, we can make covering Sonic news even better,” Donnie said in the staff memo Because I’ll be reporting it all. All the time. Forever. Even after we’re all gone. I will singlehandedly ensure Sonic lives forever through my forever reporting.”
Staffers laid off as a result of the acquisition were seen Tweeting: “Well, it can’t be worse than the slop chute Tristan ran.”
DSSZ will continue to pay remaining staff quarterly in memes.
The acquisition of this site follows Donnie’s acquisition of (formerly) Last Minute Continue, Sonic Paradise, and BrainScratch Commentaries. We told you he had a ton of money to burn.
This post was originally written by the author for DSSZ.