Mike Pollock Revealed As Sole Voice Actor of Every Game Ever Made

Sonic fans have grown accustomed to the vocal talents of Mike Pollock over the years. Though primarily known for his role as Dr. Eggman, Pollock’s expansive résumé actually encompasses far, far more than we initially thought. A joint press release from some of the world’s biggest video game companies, including Nintendo, Ubisoft, Electronic Arts, and Bethesda, revealed that Pollock has, in fact, provided the voice for every single video game character since the introduction of the medium. “We owe an incredible debt to Mike Pollock for his exceptional talent,” the press release stated. “For decades, Mr. Pollock has graced our interactive experiences with his tremendous vocal presence. His ability to rapidly deliver high-quality performances in any language amazes us to this day, and the industry will never be able to thank him enough.”

As you might expect, this revelation has sent shockwaves throughout the industry. Many of Pollock’s peers have expressed their own opinions on the news, including Roger Craig Smith, the man formerly known as the voice actor for Sonic. “The man makes no sense,” Smith said on his Twitter page. “I can understand Sonic, Eggman, and all the robots, but he voices Amy and Sticks so naturally! That’s not biologically possible! What gives?” Smith also addressed the fact that Pollock is the true voice behind some of his most famous characters, such as Ezio Auditore from Assassin’s Creed and Chris Redfield from Resident Evil. “They paid me a truckload of money to stay quiet all these years,” Smith revealed with many a smiley emoticon in tow. “I remodeled my patio and bought the truck they delivered the money in, so I can’t really complain.”

The gravity of this news cannot be overstated. Everyone, from Halo‘s Master Chief to the cute fictional K-Pop group in your favorite rhythm games, stems from the vocal chords of Mike Pollock. The dulcet tones of Uncharted‘s Nathan Drake? Pollock makes them happen. The quiet assertiveness of Lara Croft? That’s all Pollock, somehow. Even Mario, Sonic’s greatest rival, is voiced by the same man who gives life to Dr. Eggman and, as we now know, the blue blur himself. Charles Martinet, who previously gained fame as Mario’s supposed voice actor, seemed relieved to finally have the news made public. “This is an incredible weight off my shoulders,” Martinet said in a video posted to YouTube. “I’ve kept up this charade ever since Mario starting speaking, and for everyone to finally know the truth…I feel so much better now! What a world!”

As for Pollock himself, he recently revealed how he has the time to maintain such an ambitious work schedule. “Believe it or not, it’s the shiny shirts,” he said in an interview with Eurogamer. “You think I would just wear these for the hell of it? Each shirt is imbued with an otherworldly cosmic energy that allows me to slow down time and complete hundreds of thousands of sessions per day. I also never have to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom while I’m wearing one. I’m basically a god. Bow down to me, lowly plebeians! I am eternal, and the world is mine!”

Mr. Pollock could not be reached for further comment. Recent reports indicate that he was last seen wearing multiple layers of shiny shirts as a vortex of lightning and plasma swirled overhead.