Aaron Webber Actually Big the Cat in Disguise

Ever hear the expression “all is not as it seems”? Those words ring truer than ever today as we bring you a truly shocking development. Reliable sources inside SEGA have confirmed that the man we knew as beloved Sonic social media guru Aaron Webber is actually a secretive disguise worn by none other than Big the Cat. These sources report that Big first crafted the elaborate ruse several years ago, and nearly all SEGA and Sonic Team employees were completely fooled. In fact, it was only within the past few weeks that the charade began unraveling in earnest. On several occasions, Big (as Aaron) was seen in a company restroom maniacally rubbing his hands together and grumbling about “his time,” and surveillance footage recently linked him to an excessive influx of fishing poles into SEGA’s break room.

Upper management at Sonic Team expressed disbelief at this announcement, with Takashi Iizuka quoted in an official statement as saying:

When we created Big the Cat for Sonic Adventure, we hoped to introduce an innocent new character who would give players a new way to have fun in a Sonic game. We did not wish for him to become this much of a force within the SEGA company, and we will work hard to make sure that the Sonic brand is not damaged by his sudden rise to power.

Leaked internal memos suggest that Big, under the good-natured guise of Mr. Webber, has pushed for a standalone fishing simulator spin-off title for years. Sonic Team brass apparently expressed a lack of confidence in Big’s Big Fishing Adventure 3 as a viable product, though several employees eventually warmed up to the idea after prolonged exposure to various methods of torture. According to the memos, one of the more prolific tortures involved tying victims to a chair and forcing them to listen to an unnamed “fire” mixtape on a never-ending loop.

Time will tell whether this stunning revelation will have any impact on Sonic’s social media presence going forward. When pressed for comment, Aaron/Big simply muttered something about finding Froggy and escaping some “sneezy fog” before bounding off into the distance.#

Rueful LMC Note: Why am I not fucking surprised…