In a press conference held earlier today, TSSZ founder Tristan Oliver publicly apologized for, among other things, even thinking about creating this website, showing his ugly mug to the Sonic community, picking up a Sega Genesis controller in 1991, the financial crisis of 2008, the election of George W. Bush in 2000, organized religion, that rank smell every time you visit a public bathroom, and all the world’s conflict the past 500 years.
“I clearly did not expect the entirety of humanity to decline the moment I stepped on this Earth,” Oliver said. “Had I not been born, I know the global issues of war, famine, disease, poverty, fake disease, and the popularity of Gangnam Style would have ceased to exist. For that, I am truly sorry. Had my parents known the awful they were about to unleash on the world, they would have drank themselves into another miscarriage. I am sorry for every single solitary thing, good and bad, I have done my entire life.”
The apologies come on the heels of news North Korea may be gearing up to launch missiles at South Korea, Japan, and the US mainland. Prominent Sonic community figureheads pointed the blame squarely at a TSSZ story about Sonic After the Sequel‘s delay on account of music production issues.
“He just creates so much drama with everything,” said a rival Sonic fan site administrator who asked not to be identified because he writes articles for major website SPoNG.com. “Now he’s about to start a possible third world war. All this–over a blue hedgehog?! It’s insane. I heard we went to war in Iraq because one of his articles exposed Archie didn’t properly file the US government’s oil contracts. Does that really need to be on a Sonic site?”
“I heard Tristan beats everyone he meets,” said another Sonic site leader who requested anonymity. “Sure, it’s just at Catan and Apples to Apples, but I sound better when that part’s conveniently left off. What’s that? Doing that makes me no better than him? FUCK YOU I’M COURTNEY GRIMES IT’S CANCELLED YOU FUCKERS FUCKED UP BAD.”
“Tristan once mocked me for having what he called a fake disease,” proclaimed another high-ranking Sonic community official. “But then he insisted that Neuro-Immuno Deficiency Syndrome wasn’t real. And he was right! Maybe I should find another doctor.”
Oliver addressed those issues and more during the presser.
“There is no doubt in my mind anymore that the things I’ve said and done the past nearly three decades are unacceptable,” he explained. “I am clearly on a lower level than the priests who prey on altar boys, the dictators who starve and kill their own people, the big businesses who profited off of Main Street’s suffering during the Great Recession, and the video game companies who deliberately deceive their core audience knowing they’ll get a free pass.”
Experts have previously linked a TSSZ 2010 article relaying details about the Sonic 4: Episode I leak to the Dow Jones dropping 5,000 points in one hour, as well somehow relating a 2011 article detailing the poor treatment of journalists by Sega employees at a Spanish game convention to the shooting of Austrian Archduke Franz Ferdinand nearly 100 years ago.
“From now on, I promise to mindlessly feed the readers of my site everything positive they, Sega, Archie, and my community peers want to hear,” Oliver pledged. “We will never question, doubt, expose, research, or simply tell the truth ever again. Every review will be five stars, and every editorial will be glowing. We will be everything you want us to be. It’s the only way our civilization can survive.”