Paperboy Found Guilty Of Using Pixel Enhancing Drugs

People were shocked today that a report by the News Enrichment Society published this morning into allegations of doping in video games has revealed Paperboy to be a part of a massive doping cover-up.

The mop-topped gaming icon it was revealed, is guilty of a mass deception of the general public after engaging in illegal newspaper delivery enhancement through pixel-doping. The practice, used to help Paperboy to his 7 Perfect Deliveries on the Tour de Hard Way and to numerous awards for “Outstanding Paper Delivery” saw him stripped of those honours by the Arcade Treatment And Retail Institute in a summary press conference.

NES President Zachery X. Spectrum announced the society accepted the finding of an initial report earlier this year on Paperboy who has stated he will not appeal to the Court of Arbitration for Video Games.

“Paperboy has no place in newspaper delivery and deserves to be forgotten from gaming,” Spectrum said at the news conference. “This is a landmark day for arcades.”

Tour de Hard Way director Carl Bedard commented afterwards that he no longer considered Paperboy’s seven consecutive victories from 1984-1991 valid. Bedard declared that he was shocked at the level that was gone to by Paperboy’s employers, describing it as ‘the most sophisticated, professionalized and successful doping program that video games has ever seen’ within his U.S. News Service team.

The initial report said Paperboy and his teams used game enhancement boosters from an underground source known only as “Game Genie”, which included the pixel booster TRS-80, SMACK! and pixel transfusions. The report indicates initial speculation that Paperboy might’ve been on drugs surfaced after reports he had been seeing giant house cats and the Grim Reaper when riding.

More on this story as it happens.

Kevin Eva

Author: Kevin Eva

Gamer, scholar, gentleman & fountain of useless trivia, LMC's boss-man extraordinaire is also a super-awesome Community Manager who has worked on projects for SEGA, Square Enix, Konami, Capcom and more. Once co-created and hosted an international fan-convention because he can do that sort of thing.

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